You people have got to stop trying to avoid the Deaf rumor mill. You’re not going to escape it no matter what you do. So why not make it work for you?
I personally make it a point to start up one new rumor about myself every week. There’s a fine art to these things. Unmitigated bullshit, surprisingly enough, nobody will believe. So if you heap on too much too fast—for example, if you start impregnating a new college freshman every day—people can’t shake their skepticism, and the whole thing ends up getting treated as a joke.
What you’ve got to do is create a hypnotic aura in which people can be coaxed into unconsciously suspending their disbelief. You can practice this by making yourself gay.
It really doesn’t take that much work, even if you’ve been solidly and happily married to your wife for over seven years. Start by simply bringing up (in class if possible, but casual conversation works just as well) the fact that you’ve seen the movie Kinsey. Subtly place yourself at a “two” on the homosexuality-heterosexuality continuum. This is okay, trust me… Kinsey himself implied that many people occupy this slot even though they’ll ferociously repress any conscious awareness of the fact. Finish up by having an extra glass of wine at the next art gallery you attend and launch into a brief but earnest narration on the history of shading techniques used in the depiction of male nudity. You’ll be gay before the weekend is out.
Similarly, it’s relatively easy to acquire a budding drug problem simply by bringing a bottle of Tylenol to work. If you really do have a headache, pop a couple during your next department meeting or, better yet, pretend to swallow directly from an empty bottle. Without making it obvious that you’re trying to be discreet (dizzying, isn’t it!), wait for someone to notice you and then hurriedly stuff the bottle back into your pocket. Offer up an embarrassed grin and sign, “I’m addicted to these things.” Then pay intense attention to whoever is holding the floor until the meeting is over. Within a week, you’ll be a crack addict.
The thing you can have the most fun with, however, is getting fired. I cannot emphasize this enough: Every chance you get, get fired, for the most outlandish reasons possible. Teach class naked. Tip peoples’ wheelchairs over. Crumble in front of the Dean and confess that ever since you found Jesus, you don’t like his daughter anymore. This is the kind of thing people can’t get enough of. If somebody stops you in the hallway and asks you why you’re still hanging around (“Weren’t you fired last week?”), simply shrug and say the decision was overturned on appeal. You’ll be a legend within the month.
Why would you want to do something like this?
Simple. True strategic thinking is not about following a fixed plan, with the goal of arriving at Point A to execute Action B. No, no… A strategically viable position is one that offers you the most options. The more options you have, the greater your advantage is over your opponent. Therefore, if you start up one new rumor about yourself every week, what will eventually happen is:
- people won’t be surprised by anything you do, and
- people will have heard so much crap about you by now, they won’t believe the rumors even when you’re nailed for something you actually did do.
Which leaves you that much freer to what whatever you want.
[Editor's note: This piece was originally published, with nobody getting fired for it, in Bug: Deaf Identity and Internal Revolution (2007) by Gallaudet University Press. Furthermore, it should be noted that the satire of this piece is not meant to be extended to Hearing rumor mills, since Hearing people clearly and obviously do not gossip or spread rumors, and therefore Hearing rumor mills equally clearly obviously do not exist.]
[Further editorial note: Just kidding!]
